At least once a year I fill out an official form that requests my occupation. And since I can’t explain to a bank or my health insurance why “homemaker” is a strange term that makes me feel like I’m living in the 1950’s, I usually write in “Stay At Home Mom.” There’s also, oddly, no additional dropdown for “Stay At Home Mom With a Recent Master’s Degree and a Few Different Promising Projects Going On.”
My days rarely look the same, but all follow the same formula. My time is halved into mornings and afternoons by my main client’s nap schedule. He is almost two, and he’s the best and worst client to ever hire me. I get a chunk of free time during said nap, if he takes it, and at night, should he choose to go down without a fight. If I’m lining this up with a traditional 9-5 job (which would be laughable), nap time is my lunch break. Except that nap time is probably the only time, on the right day, where I’m not exhausted enough that I can stop working for my toddler and start working for myself.
Pursuing professional development of my own volition has never come naturally to me. There’s always something more relaxing or interesting to do. But since I left my full-time project management job in February of 2024, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to share.
I Take Baby Steps As Literally As Possible
I only recently read Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, which should be every writer’s Bible. It affected me so deeply that I think I might need to sleep with it under my pillow at night, if only to make sure the wisdom is fully absorbed by my brain. If you’re not a writer, I’d still recommend this book to you. It will help you if you are a perfectionist, often abandon projects from distraction or boredom, or just need someone to remind you that it’s okay to do something slowly.The bottom line is that you should probably be a little nicer to yourself about it if you want to make any progress.
“Try looking at your mind as a wayward puppy that you are trying to paper train. You don’t drop-kick a puppy into the neighbor’s yard every time it piddles on the floor. You just keep bringing it back to the newspaper.”
My big goals have often seemed so daunting to me that I never attempt them. But the overall message of Bird by Bird is to take things one step at a time. And with such limited time, that’s all I have the capacity to do. I can either fulfill the tiny worm in my brain that wants to be creative by feeding it little by little or I can not feed it at all. If I don’t feed it, it’ll probably be replaced by the Walking in the Zoo song from Ms. Rachel’s YouTube channel.
I also learned this lesson from watching my son grow up. You flip over, then you crawl, then you pull yourself up on the coffee table, then you walk.
I’m Doing This For Myself
If your motivation for professional development is for something more tangible and prescribed, like a promotion at work if you complete a certification, I can’t really fault you for that. It’s nice to have goalposts laid out for you when they’re available. But since I’m constructing my own goalposts, I have to find my motivation elsewhere.
I’ll be honest and admit, while I’m here, that prescribed goalposts have rarely worked for me anyway. If I’m not truly passionate about learning Japanese or coding or making jewelry, I can’t do it. I cannot not make myself. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Instead, the goals I have actually made progress on or completed are the ones that bring me joy. Running was one that surprised me, and while it’s not a professional development goal, it’s something I spent planning, implementing, and making overly complicated spreadsheets for. The common joke about marathoners is the same as the one about vegans – if your friend has run a marathon, you don’t need to ask. You’ll know. And while unfortunately running a marathon has not brought me the fame and notoriety it obviously should have, it has still brought me an immense amount of satisfaction.
When you have only an hour or two a day to yourself, how you spend that hour should bring you joy. It’s that simple. And if that can be something productive, you’ve found something worth working toward.
I Still Deserve a Vacation
My job, roughly, is 7 am – 7 pm. My husband gets home at 5 pm, and since he’s also been working all day, I don’t immediately grab my keys and drive to the beach. My job is also Monday through Sunday. Occasionally, there are night shifts. My client is ruthless. My salary is nonexistent. I will never get promoted… unless having another child counts? There will be no raise included.
And yet, I feel guilty when I need a break. Sometimes it’s not because wanting rest from caretaking can feel selfish or I’m not contributing to my household’s income, but because instead of spending an hour on the couch rewatching Gilmore Girls, I should be writing. I should be building a business. I should be learning another trade. I should be listening to that overdue audiobook about creating productive habits.
Being a full-time parent is exhausting, but it’s also a privilege I treasure. And I can’t enjoy it without taking breaks when I need them. I also can’t pour energy into the other things I love without recharging. Letting go of pace and external validation has been such a beautiful freedom. I didn’t realize burnout was still possible outside of the traditional workplace, but it definitely is. And now that I’m in charge of my own schedule, that schedule has to include breaks. Not just from the work for others, but from the work for me, too.
Conclusion
Perspective is everything. I don’t feel like I’ve shared anything universally revolutionary here, but it’s all been revolutionary to me. Finding intrinsic motivation for my passion projects and giving myself the grace to do what’s best for me outside of a traditional career path has been such an asset to my life. I don’t believe that’s a lesson exclusive to full-time caretakers. And if there’s anything my son has taught me, that’s the point. I’m working to make my life better, not building my life around my work.